“Is it possible to have too much empathy?”
I’m often asked this question.
My short answer is, “No,” and then I quickly follow up with, “but…”
I can’t recall a time when it was a bad thing to try to understand another person’s perspective or feelings.
Empathy deepens my understanding of another person’s experience and helps build connection and trust. As Brené Brown so beautifully puts it in her book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, empathy tells an individual “…that incredibly healing message of ‘you are not alone.’”
However, empathy does not equal endorsement, and this is where we can get into trouble.
There have been times when I have let my feelings cloud my judgment.
I once had an employee who often missed project deadlines due to challenges at home.
I allowed this behavior to continue longer than I should have. Looking back, I now realize that it was because I didn’t know how to hold the employee accountable while still maintaining compassion and empathy.
It’s a challenge many leaders face.
I lacked what I call empathic boundaries, which is the ability to show care for others while also establishing limits on what we will do or accept from them.
According to psychologist Dr. Henry Cloud, boundaries are vitally important. “They show me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership,” he writes in his book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life.
This is powerful.
We often view boundaries as a way to keep the negative out and the positive in. While boundaries certainly serve that purpose, they also compel us to hold ourselves accountable for our actions, enabling us to act authentically.
Boundaries establish guardrails around what we will or won’t do based on our values and responsibilities.
Boundaries empower us to live and work with integrity. We know what is important to us and make our choices accordingly.
When coupled with empathy, boundaries tell the other person, “I care about you, I care about myself, and I care about our relationship.”
Setting empathic boundaries defines my responsibilities, your responsibilities, and our shared responsibilities.
Here’s why it matters.
Many leaders, as well as people in general, often struggle with establishing empathic boundaries. We typically gravitate toward one end of the spectrum or the other—being either too permissive (showing empathy without holding others accountable for breaching boundaries) or too harsh (enforcing accountability without care or concern).
Empathy without boundaries is permissive. Boundaries without empathy are callous.
Here’s an easy test to assess where you fall on the empathy-boundary scale.
Consider how you give feedback. If you find yourself avoiding giving difficult feedback and prefer to focus only on the positives, it might be due to relatively weak boundaries. It’s also likely you feel people “walk all over you.”
In contrast, if your feedback is mostly developmental, with little encouragement or affirmation, you may need some empathy work.
It’s important to remember that the goal is not to “balance” empathy and boundaries. That’s impossible and, if it were possible, would be exhausting. Rather, the goal is to integrate both elements in a way that honors all participants and fosters healthy, productive, and lasting relationships.
Here are a couple of simple yet powerful ways to create empathic boundaries. Tweak each element to fit your needs.
Define the Relationship
This is the first step, and it helps build a foundation of trust and transparency.
It is a conversation, and the framework I discuss below works equally well in the workplace and in your personal life. I’ll use work-related examples to illustrate.
Before you begin, agree on some basic ground rules, such as who will go first and that neither person will interrupt.
Defining the relationship is a conversation, so there will naturally be give and take as it unfolds. Aim to listen first and speak second.
The goal is for each person to walk away with an understanding of the following:
- Non-negotiables. These are what you stand for and won’t budge on. They often reflect your core values—what is most important to you in life—and concern for your personal and professional well-being. For me, it’s respect for the individual, inclusion, work-life integration, and ownership of a task.
- Expectations. This is where each person shares their needs from the other individual or individuals, especially when leading a team (e.g., timely email responses, regular check-ins, etc.).
- Commitments. Finally, this is where you express your promise to honor what someone needs from you and what you are prepared to do based on your values.
Throughout the conversation, it’s imperative that you show your human side and communicate truthfully through vulnerability; otherwise, you risk appearing inauthentic.
How to SET the Tone for Difficult Conversations
Inevitably, a person will cross one of your boundaries, often multiple times, as my employee did when he repeatedly missed deadlines. At this point, you need to provide feedback
There are many effective feedback models out there—SBI and Radical Candor are especially effective—but most of these approaches tend to be transactional. Their aim is to address specific behaviors rather than necessarily enhance relationships.
In many instances, this is all you need, such as when an employee fails to follow a process or procedure or when you are managing a gig workforce and building long-term rapport is not critically important.
If there is value in deepening a relationship, you will need a feedback approach that combines empathy with accountability.
This leads me to SET, which stands for Support, Empathy, and Truth.
Psychologists developed the SET feedback method to establish boundaries with individuals who have borderline personality disorder. As it turns out, it proves equally effective in the workplace and other settings, such as at home.
When using the SET Method, follow the order below and use authentic words. I’ll walk you through each step and give you an example of using SET to provide feedback.
Support
Start here. Begin the conversation with an “I” statement, such as, “I support you,” “I believe you are an important member of the team,” or “I want to help you.” This shows the person that you care for them and want their best.
Empathy
In this step, validate the person’s experience by using “you” statements, such as, “I understand how difficult this is for you,” or “I can see how this might be difficult for you.” Remember, validation doesn’t mean you approve of or accept a person’s behavior; it means that you understand (or seek to understand) what they are experiencing. Just be careful not to tell a person how they are feeling.
Truth
In this final stage of the conversation, you should restate the boundary and co-create an accountability plan for the person to follow in order to adjust their behavior going forward. Accomplish this through a fact-based assessment of the situation and the role the person can play in helping to solve it, using phrases such as, “This is what I ask you to do…” or “This is what will happen…,” etc.
Invite the person to share their perspective on what they can do and, when appropriate, offer your support with a statement like, “This is what I can do…”
At the end of a SET conversation, the person should have a clear understanding of your expectations, the plan for moving forward, and the consequences of not following through on new behaviors.
Using SET: An Example
Referring to my earlier employee scenario, (where my employee was missing deadlines) here’s an example of what a SET conversation might look like. Let’s name the employee Josh (not his real name):
Me: “Josh, thank you for sitting down to chat. I want you to know that I consider you a valuable member of the team, and we truly need your expertise.” (Support)
Me: “I know that caring for your mother has been challenging for you at home, and I can only imagine how hard this must be.” (Empathy)
Me: “As a valuable member of the team, we need you to deliver your projects on time; otherwise, it backs up the product flow, forces others on the team to do additional work, and has led us to push back delivery dates for our customers. You and I have discussed this before, and we can’t let it continue.” (Truth)
Josh: “I know, and I feel terrible about it. I’m truly sorry. It’s been really tough the past couple of months.”
Me: “What steps can you take to help ensure you meet your project deadlines, and how might I help?”
Josh: “For the next month, could I work part-time or take intermittent leave to care for my mother while also continuing to support the business? I don’t think I’ll need more than a couple of months off.”
Me: “Yes, I can do that. Please get in touch with your HR partner to start the leave process. Let me know how I can support you. I will reduce the number of projects you need to take on, expecting that you will submit your deliverables on time.”
Josh: “That sounds good to me, and I am committed to it.”
Creating empathic boundaries is difficult and requires time and effort. We must know our values, listen intently, and communicate with care. However, doing so will help you deepen your relationships while also being true to yourself, which is the best place to be.
A previous version of this article appeared on Thrive Global.
About the Author
Dr. Frank Niles, Ph.D. is Principal Business Psychologist at BSM Partners where he leads the firm’s business transformation practice. A trusted advisor to leaders and organizations around the world, he works with a broad portfolio of clients, ranging from start-ups to Fortune 50 Companies. Frank is regularly featured or quoted in the media, having appeared in Inc, Fast Company, CNN, NBC, NPR, and many more media outlets. In his free time, he climbs mountains.
