A Surprising Way To Build Better Relationships
Please remember, it is what you are that heals, not what you know.
– Carl Jung
This is such an important quote.
Each day I am reminded of its truth, especially now, during these challenging times.
As a person who gets paid to give advice, I’ve learned that sometimes the best advice is simply to stop, sit down and listen.
For many people, it takes a safe space and time to process their thoughts and reveal what many times they already know, but aren’t quite sure how to articulate.
But for so many years I was far too quick to provide a solution, seeing each person’s need as an opportunity to impart knowledge rather than an opportunity to learn and support.
Perhaps you can relate.
Of course, I now know, what led to my impatience way my own discomfort with the silence and “slowness” of the process, and the belief that I had the answer.
Again, perhaps you can relate.
Personal development takes time.
Reflection takes time.
Building relationships takes time.
We can’t force a person to make a change, nor should we try. Each of us walks our own journey and shows up to life in our own, unique way.
I am convinced more than ever that being present for a person is more important than “being right.”
It is often the human connection we have with another person that is far more important than what we believe we know to be of value and feel compelled to share.
I am convinced more than ever that being present for a person is more important than “being right.” At a minimum, don’t give advice without first asking.
One of the most liberating and helpful truths I have learned over the years is that most people (at least the type of people who are enjoyable to be around) care much more about how we behave than what we believe.
And it all begins with listening. It’s the most fundamental behavior needed to build any healthy relationship.
Listening says to the other person, “I value you and what you have to say. I want to understand what you are thinking and what you are experiencing because you are important to me.”
Deep listening creates connection; proving a point drives disconnection. We don’t grow closer by winning arguments.
If you need help listening more and talking less, check out my article on the “Duct Tape Rule.” I’ve shared this principle with thousands of people around the world and they say they find it helpful. I hope you do too.
Listen first. Speak second. Or perhaps, just don’t say anything.
Not every thought needs to be said.
But when we do find ourselves needing to respond, we should do so with kindness.
As Sarah Fielding so beautifully observes, “The words of kindness are more healing to a drooping heart than balm or honey.”
It’s a lesson I continue to learn…every day. That, and how to listen better.
